Don't travel with 'Turistas'

The previews for "Turistas" make it look like a suspenseful film full of beautiful (and scantily clad) young women accompanied by toned (and muscled) young men who innocently fall victim to crazed killers who torture lost tourists. Instead, "Turistas" is a rather predictable film about stupid (albeit attractive) tourists who wander into bad situations and get what's coming to them.

A group of tourists - including American siblings Alex (Josh Duhamel) and Bea (Olivia Wilde), Australian loner Pru (Melissa George) and confused Brits Liam (Max Brown) and Finn (Desmond Askew) - are taking a bus through Brazil, which is driven by a man who seems to have learned to drive by playing American video games. When the bus crashes (like we couldn't see this coming a few seconds into the film), the group is told that another bus will be along in 10 hours.

With the promise of a bar on the beach a short hike away, the English-speaking tourists leave the larger group in search of alcohol and fun. Unfortunately, they soon find the bar has a "come for the drinks, stay for the organ harvesting" policy. Rather than doing anything logical or sensible, the group runs from bad situation to worse at every opportunity.

The bad guys, led by Dr. Zamora (Miguel Lunardi), are greedy, angry and disorganized but far smarter than the tourists. Whether you're hoping the tourists will live or just waiting for some gore, it doesn't take long before you're just looking forward to the end of the movie.

Unfortunately, there are extraordinarily long dark and murky scenes (presumably, in an attempt at either realism or suspense but succeeding at neither) badly designed by cinematographer Enrique Chediak. The underwater filming (including chase scenes) by Peter Zuccarini is beautiful the first time, and terribly boring after about five minutes - sadly, it goes on much longer.

Rated R for strong graphic violence and disturbing content, sexuality, nudity, drug use and language, "Turistas" is certainly gory despite failing as a horror film. Perhaps "Turistas" would have at least been shocking if premiered before "Hostel" and the "Saw" films but instead it does more of the same and with less intelligence and less successful social commentary.

Originally published in The Chronicle in December 2006 as JadeLee Culberson

Show your intellegence; dress like an adult

It's winter, it's snowing and it seems that PUC needs a class on how to dress for the weather. During a moderate snowfall, I was standing in front of the Gyte building when I noticed a young man - I estimate around age 21 - wearing knee-length shorts as he entered the building. I'd guess either he'd missed the weather report or forgotten to do his laundry, but he is not alone - he's one of three separate guys I spotted in shorts within a week in January.

Though dressing inappropriately for the weather does not actually cause a cold or the flu, it does look ridiculous (and could lead to frostbite if your car broke down on the way to school, stranding you on the side of the road sans artificial heat). Oh, and for the guys who continue wearing your flip-flops despite the snow, you should be aware of how quickly cold, wet toes can develop frostbite if you have to spend much time in the elements (and let's face it, the parking situation here usually demands a fairly long outdoor walk before and after class).

But it's not just the guys that seem oblivious to the weather. Ladies - if you see snow and ice on the ground, leave the high heels at home. The scrapes, bruises, and sprains you receive when you slip and fall on the ice won't be sexy - or comfortable. There are plenty of cute but practical shoes that provide some traction on slippery walkways (not to mention warmth).

Of course, most of the girls in the spiky high heels are also the ones in short skirts - which provide no protection against the weather, or shoe-induced falls. This is college. Just because there is no dress code demanding you dress with decency doesn't mean you no longer should - have some self-respect. If you want to impress your classmates and professors, do it with your mind and not your wardrobe.

Originally published in The Chronicle in February 2007 as JadeLee Culberson

Even Bullock can't save "Premonition"

My intuition tells me those who see director Mennan Yapo's "Premonition" will be disappointed. Of course, I don't have ESP - but I know I left the theatre dissatisfied.

Sandra Bullock is the highlight of this film with an intense performance as Linda, a stay-at-home mom who is horrified to learn of her husband Jim's (Julian McMahon) death - and even more disturbed to realize he's alive again when she wakes up the next day.

Reality begins quickly unraveling around Linda as she spends each out-of-order day (because apparently Friday does not always directly follow Thursday, at least in this film) trying to figure out if her husband is dead or alive, if she is crazy or sane, and why she's constantly interacting with people who claim to know her even though she doesn't remember meeting them.

Her mother, Joanne (played dryly by Kate Nelligan), comes to stay and help take care of Linda's absolutely adorable and sugary-sweet daughters (Shyann McClure and Courtney Taylor Burness) - either because Linda's grieving or going insane, we can never be sure. But, in true meddling-mother form, Joanne seeks "help" for her daughter in the form of creepy psychiatrist Dr. Norman Roth (Peter Stormare) and his prescription pad.

Linda tries to seek comfort from her flighty friend, Annie (Nia Long), whose real purpose in the film seems to be the token minority. Linda also seeks answers from a priest (Matt Moore) who tells her "nature abhors a vacuum" and her lack of belief is the root of her troubles.

Reminiscent of a more depressing "Groundhog Day," "Premonition" offers nothing new or innovative. It's too sappy, too predictable and - despite a decent premise - fails to do any of the interesting things writer Bill Kelly could have done with the script.

McMahon seems ridiculously miscast after his roles in "Fantastic Four" and the television series "Nip/Tuck" and "Charmed." He's not believable as a distant husband climbing the corporate ladder. Perhaps he's too accustomed to playing complicated characters to realize sometimes less is more when playing a fairly basic, straightforward character.

The musical effects by Klaus Badelt, meant to heighten suspense, are so over-the-top they're nearly comical. The ending is hokey at best - I groaned out loud and heard several others in the audience do the same.

Skip "Premonition" - you'll avoid spending time and money on an inferior film.

Originally published in The Chronicle in March 2007 as JadeLee Culberson.

Hold a 'grudge' against Grudge 2

Director of the original Japanese version of "The Grudge," as well as this English-language remake, Takashi Shimizu could have done something interesting instead of doing more of the same. We already know that those exposed to the curse of fatally abused wife Kayako (Takako Fuji) are mentally tortured before being killed. "The Grudge 2" just shows us that the curse can travel outside Tokyo - and Japan, for that matter.

Shimizu gives us three vignettes that are intertwined with little cohesion. Sarah Michelle Gellar returns for a brief cameo as Karen Davis, an international college student hospitalized in Tokyo after trying to burn down the house where the curse originated. Karen's ailing mother (Joanna Cassidy) gets the call that her daughter has been in an accident and books a flight for Karen's estranged sister, Aubrey (Amber Tamblyn). In Tokyo, Aubrey meets a journalist named Eason (Edison Chen) seeking answers of his own.

Also in Japan (but apparently nowhere near Aubrey), Allison (Arielle Kebbel) is an international high school student eager to make friends with the cool girls. Unfortunately for Allison (and those around her), she learns just how real the curse is after being dared to enter the cursed house by two classmates.

Meanwhile, in Chicago, where the curse has spread to an apartment building, Trish (Jennifer Beals) has just moved in with her fiancé and his two children. The young, angst-ridden, and overly curious Jake (Matthew Knight) is the first to realize that something is amiss in his neighbors' apartment and is possibly the most likeable character in the film.

Despite the fact that "The Grudge 2" may be the first film to show a possessed teenager drinking mass amounts of milk and purging it back into the half gallon, it provides nothing fascinating or shocking. With so many promising films being released around this Halloween, there is no reason to see "The Grudge 2." Rated PG-13 for mature thematic material, disturbing images/terror/violence, and some sexuality, it doesn't matter that "The Grudge 2" is accessible to teens - they won't enjoy it anyway.

"The Grudge 2" lacks creepiness and suspense, supplying instead a plethora of unfulfilling in-your-face money-shot scares. I felt like, at best, the film spent most of its nearly 90 minutes vaguely teasing my mind only to leave me without a satisfying climax or any fond memories.

Originally published in The Chronicle in October 2006 as Jade Lee Culberson

Society hooked on celebrities' addictions

I don't understand why our society is obsessed with celebrities who spend most of their time and money destroying themselves.

While perusing the news online this week, I've seen several versions of the recent "Lindsay Lohan checked herself into rehab" story, which include rumors that she received an intervention from movie executives and her mother's statement that she is very proud of her daughter for seeking help. Since all Lohan seems to have said publicly about the issue is that she would like to be given privacy and she's enjoying this season of "American Idol," I don't understand why she's making headlines.

Britney Spears' career was recently helped by her filing for divorce and then flashing her privates. Since when is this more useful to a star's career than actually making an album or film? We've always enjoyed watching celebrity scandal, but now it seems that society prefers self-destruction to juicy rumors.

So-called "reality TV" now includes VH1's "Shooting Sizemore," in which it seems, so far, the viewer is forced to watch Tom Sizemore rant about how his acting was better when he was doing crystal methamphetamine and how he has no confidence in himself sober.

What is so interesting about a celebrity who claims he/she is miserable and addicted to drugs and/or alcohol because of the "burden" of fame and fortune? If fame and wealth are so difficult to deal with, why not just give it up? Maybe get an education and get a real job?

Celebrities have gotten themselves addicted to drugs and alcohol for as many years as celebrity status has existed - why are we still so interested? My suggestion - skip the article about what Lohan wore to rehab and read about politics or (imagine this) a book.

Originally published in The Chronicle in January 2007 as Jade Lee Culberson.

'23' adds up to failure

"The Number 23" has the premise of a great film - too bad it suffers and dies from bad acting.

Screenwriter Fernley Phillips crafts a masterful tale of intrigue and suspense. Jim Carrey plays Walter Sparrow, a mild-mannered dogcatcher. His luck changes for the worse after being bit by a dog on his birthday, which makes him late for his evening plans. On that night, his wife, Agatha (Virginia Madsen), buys him a book called "The Number 23." As Walter reads - and fixates on - the book, we watch through his eyes as the narrator, Fingerling (in a duel role by Carrey), enjoys the company of a kinky woman named Fabrizia (in a duel role by Madsen) and learns of the curse associated with the number 23 from a sexy young woman referred to as the Suicide Blond (Lynn Collins).

Cinematographer Matthew Libatique's work is extraordinary. The tale within the tale unfolds in a noir-soaked sequence showcasing Libatique's genius, along with that of director Joel Schumacher. Schumacher is outstanding in blending reality and imagination in what could have been the best suspense thriller of the year, had Carrey been capable of portraying a frightening character. He pulled off a serious role in "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind," but serious and subdued may be far enough away from his usual for him to succeed by maintaining total opposition to his usual actor-self. In "The Number 23," his exaggerated facial expressions, meant to convey mental distress, cross the border into comical too many times. Madsen has the opposite problem - she has so little affect that it's hard to believe his kind, caring wife is disturbed at all by Walter's obsession.

There may be a real fixation with 23 among conspiracy theorists, but I was so disappointed in the acting that I left the film sans inspiration to brood over the math connecting the Oklahoma City bombing, Hiroshima and the September 11, 2001 attacks to the number's supposed curse I enjoyed the surprising ending but it wasn't worth watching 95 minutes of poor acting. "The Number 23" certainly isn't worthy of seeing in the theatre, but might be worth a two or three dollar rental for the cinematography alone.

Originally published in The Chronicle in March 2007 as Jade Lee Culberson

This week's DVD review -- Return of the Living Dead: Rave to the Grave

And the worst DVD release of 2007 is director Ellory Elkayem's "Return of the Living Dead: Rave to the Grave." It may only be April, but it's not too early to say nothing could beat this terrible trifecta of cheesy dialogue, over-the-top stupidity and bad acting to ruin anyone's appetite for film like the fifth installment in the "Return of the Living Dead" series.

The original "Return of the Living Dead" (1985) was deliciously sarcastic, dripping with gore, and crammed full of new, brain-chewing talking zombies. Even "Return of the Living Dead III" (1993) brought us further innovation - a "Romeo and Juliet" style romance between a young man and his recently deceased (and reanimated) girlfriend.

But apparently the series has run out of steam - though, apparently, not zombie-producing Trioxin.

"Return of the Living Dead: Necropolis" (part 4) premiered on the Sci-Fi channel at the same time as "Rave to the Grave" in 2005, and was released to DVD a year earlier. I thought since the films were made so close together, the one failing they would not suffer is continuity - but I was wrong.

"Return of the Living Dead: Rave to the Grave" opens to find Becky (Aimee-Lynn Chadwick), Julian (John Keefe) and Cody (Cory Hardrict) away at college, seemingly oblivious to their near-death (and undeath) experiences the previous year in "Necropolis."

Instead, the only mention of any previous problems are unspecific mentions of government connections to Julian's uncle's recent murder and the mysterious canisters - of (what else could it be but) Trioxin - in his family's attic.

Julian drags the canister into a campus science lab for Cody to analyze in the middle of the night. Instead, Cody uses it to produce "Z" - a party drug that produces hallucinations so powerful that "you just stand there, like a zombie" - for an upcoming Halloween rave.

DJ Jeremy (Cain Manoli) and drug-dealer Skeet (Catalin Paraschiv) begin selling the green capsules around campus, assuring that what Jeremy touts as the "rave to the grave" certainly will be (or, more aptly, the "rave ending in a brain-chewing frenzy").

Whether it was a failed joke or the result of someone letting an elementary school student help with the plot, the worst moment of "Rave to the Grave" was a decayed, Trioxin-dripping zombie attempting to hitchhike in broad daylight and no one noticing (or, at least, reacting) to its presence.

I can think of few fates worse than becoming a brain-craving zombie - having to watch "Rave to the Grave" is one of them.

Originally published in The Chronicle in April 2007 as Jade Lee Culberson

Bye bye to the Buffy I knew

Many of us who obsessively watched "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" mourned the loss of this show after season seven, realizing "Buffy" was truly gone from television forever - less, of course, cold comfort from reruns. We watched (in the last episode) as a school bus drove characters - some familiar and dear, others newer and less connected - away from the large hole where Sunnydale was, and they took with them a little piece of our hearts.

I cried. I mourned the loss of a show I'd watched since high school, feeling a connection with Buffy (the character), who was then my age. I wondered briefly if we'd see a return for season eight - maybe even on a new channel - but realized that I'd never again tune in to see a new episode. I'm sure I'm not the only one who was saddened by this fact.

When I recently learned that Joss Whedon would be bringing us season eight after all - in comic book form - I was excited. I was ready to find out what Buffy, Willow, and Xander were up to. And, of course, I wondered what life after Sunnydale was like for Dawn as she worked through her complicated adolescence. I wanted to know more about the reference near the end of the series "Angel" in which we hear that Buffy is dating The Immortal. I was even curious as to how all those new Slayers were balancing their previous lives with their new Slayer duties.

I made a special trip to Creative Comics in Griffith to pick up the first issue of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer," season 8. When I got home, I devoured the issue with high hopes.

When I put the issue down, it was with disappointment. The "Buffy" world, once so small and intimate now feels too vast. The first issue alone dealt with space travel, cloning, and the army. This larger world feels filled more with "clever science" than emotion.

I'll keep reading and hoping the first issue was meant as a catch-up issue - that the intimacy will return and the feeling from the show will come through the pages of upcoming issues.

Originally published in The Chronicle in April 2007 as Jade Lee Culberson

'Disturbia' is no classic, but no failure either

Director D. J. Caruso's "Disturbia" is one of those films I wanted to hate - but I couldn't.

Screenwriters Christopher Landon and Carl Ellsworth have taken the premise of Alfred Hitchcock's suspense-filled classic "Rear Window" (1954) and updated it for a teenage, technology-obsessed audience. What "Disturbia" lacks in depth, it surprisingly nearly makes up for with fantastic timing and truly gripping suspense.

Kale (Shia LaBeouf) has been getting into trouble for the past year, ever since his father passed away in a nasty car wreck. When Kale goes too far and punches his Spanish teacher (Rene Rivera), he is sentenced to house arrest - complete with an ankle monitor - for summer vacation.

This doesn't seem too daunting until his mother (Carrie-Anne Moss) cuts off access to his X-Box live and iTunes, as well as the cable in his bedroom. Without these distractions, he becomes horribly bored - shown in a sequence backed by the appropriately placed System of a Down's "Lonely Day" - and tries to find some form of entertainment.

So, he looks out the window and his new hobby is born. He watches his new neighbors - especially their sexy teenage daughter, Ashley (Sarah Roemer). He also spies on a group of unruly pre-teens and Mr. Turner (David Morse), who oozes creepy vibes as he compulsively mows his lawn.

Whether due to cabin fever or a nose for detective work, Kale theorizes that Mr. Turner's car looks a bit like one that had been seen in connection with a local disappearance. Suddenly, house arrest is more like a game of "stake-out," in which his buddy Ronnie (Aaron Yoo) and Ashley - who, after realizing Kale was watching her, seems unrealistically comfortable with his voyeurism - sit around Kale's room and use surveillance equipment (supposedly, courtesy of some quirky relative of Ronnie's) to spy on Mr. Turner.

No one could accuse the characters in "Disturbia" of being multi-layered, but that doesn't make them boring. And with such shallow characters, the acting can't be bad. Moss' mom-on-her-last nerve and Morse's creepy-loner are the film's best performances.

Rated PG-13 for sequences of terror and violence, and some sensuality, "Disturbia" will do best as a date movie for teens, but it's certainly rent-worthy on merit of suspense alone.

Those who haven't seen "Rear Window" will probably enjoy "Disturbia" more without the comparisons - but since it borrows the concept without trying to remake the film, "Disturbia" manages to be much better than it should be.

Originally published in The Chronicle in April 2007 as Jade Lee Culberson

Diners - the new endangered species

When I think about Round the Clock restaurant in Highland, I remember nights of catching up with old friends over coffee, evenings of dinner and studying with classmates during finals, and the last stop near sunrise after a long Saturday night out. I'm sure I'm not alone in this recollection-on many visits there I'd look around and see high school and college students from all social cliques at tables or booths chatting for hours.

I noticed that Round the Clock in Highland was remodeling, but I was unconcerned. Even when they shut down completely for a short time, I attributed it to dust and hoped they'd reopen soon-though I have little time this semester for long coffee-soaked conversations, I still enjoy popping in for a bowl of lemon rice soup to go.

The day after they reopened, I dropped in for just that-and I was horrified to see the changes the restaurant has undergone. The diner atmosphere has disappeared, and both the interior and exterior are covered in kitschy décor that seems to be reminiscent of "home cooking" but really just does a bad imitation of what Cracker Barrel specializes in.

The restaurant is now completely non-smoking, as well-fine for the health-conscious, but bad for the smokers who once migrated there for late night coffee and conversation. I can't help but think the owners must be consciously making the environment unfriendly for the young crowds who once made up much of their nightly business.

And Round the Clock it is not, anymore-the 24-hour business now closes at midnight during the week. This change is another reason I believe much of their previous customer base are now unwelcome.

Looking online, I found the Schererville location has also been remodeled-and the Merrillville location, for which there are no pictures, is also listed as having a "new look inside." I think their changes are a mistake, and I won't be patronizing their business anymore.

I hope others will do the same in avoiding Round the Clock's new atmosphere, and supporting actual diners instead - after all, the Denny's in Merrillville/Hobart (on Route 30, near the Radisson, on the way to the mall) is still 24 hours.

Originally published in The Chronicle in April 2007 as Jade Lee Culberson.

Things I can't get behind

On William Shatner's album "Has Been" (2004), he performs a duet with Henry Rollins called "I Can't Get Behind That" where they list trends and societal situations with which they disagree. That song is the inspiration for this column.

Things I Can't Get Behind …
1) Burger King restaurants that sell tacos. If I want a taco, I'll go to a Mexican food restaurant. If I want a fast food taco, I'll go to Taco Bell. If I'm at Burger King, it's because I want American food - I'm all for Burger King having the veggie burger option, because it's still a burger. But having tacos on the menu is just ridiculous.
2) Chicagoans who think people shouldn't put ketchup on hot dogs. Apparently, because the traditionally prepared "Chicago-style hot dog" doesn't have ketchup on it, no hot dog should. And they get angry about it - as though it's actually wrong to put ketchup on a hot dog. Ryan Manno, a Q101 DJ, has even had a debate about this on his radio show. I say it's a matter of personal preference, but I can't get behind people who try to dictate what other people put on their hot dogs.
3) The way small, independently owned movie theatres have become an endangered species. Megaplexes are running the small theatres out of business and leaving us corporate-run places that are completely devoid of personality.
4) People who think it's pretentious to drink wine. Yes, wine coolers are girly - I'll agree with that - but there's nothing pretentious (or girly) about a bottle of merlot you can buy for $6 at Meijer, right across from the beer.
5) Anyone who text messages while actively driving a car. I can understand a glance down at an incoming text when you're at a stop light, but either drive or text (or call the person on your hands-free phone, since everyone on the planet seems to have a Bluetooth headset these days anyway).
6) States and local ordinances that ban smoking in taverns. I can understand banning smoking in restaurants because a lot of people don't like to smell cigarette smoke while they're eating. A lot of people who drink smoke cigarettes and a lot of people who don't consider themselves "smokers" smoke when they drink.

Originally posted in The Chronicle in September 2007

Sequels, prequels, remakes, oh my!

I have a theory about major movie studios. Here's what I think happens: two filmmakers walk into an executive's office to propose an idea for a film. One says, "I want to make a movie unlike anything American audiences have ever seen. It'll be clever, interesting and cerebral - and it'll focus on a character people will talk about for years to come." The other says, "I want to take this movie that was released two years ago and make a sequel. I've figured out how to make it more violent than the original. The plot may not make as much sense as the first one did, but it'll be shocking. It'll also draw in audiences on name recognition alone." The executive considers both ideas briefly - and green-lights only the latter.

I'll grant that sometimes a sequel - or a series - is a good thing. "Star Wars" is a great example of this. But lately it seems there are as many sequels, prequels and remakes hitting theatres as there are original films. "Resident Evil: Extinction" (the third in the series) is in theatres now, "Saw IV" will reach the big screen on Oct. 26 and "National Treasure: Book of Secrets" comes out just in time for the holidays. While I'll save my judgment on the last two until they come out, I can certainly say "Resident Evil: Extinction" was a film that suffered the plot degeneration from the original (and even the sequel).

I'm disturbed to know that though "Shrek the Third" has yet to reach DVD, there's already talk of "Shrek 4" (rumored to be titled "The Next Shrek") slated for release in 2010. Though I haven't heard anything substantial as of yet, I won't be surprised when they announce "28 Months Later" or "Saw V" - I'll just be disappointed.

Still, perhaps the sequels are better than remakes. After Rob Zombie's "Halloween" fell apart before the halfway point, I've lost hope that even the best directors can do better than what is already done well in previous films. And with remakes on the way for "Day of the Dead," "Footloose" (as a musical, apparently) and Hitchcock's "The Birds," I can see this trend isn't going away fast enough.

Originally published in The Chronicle on October 21, 2007