How Do I Measure This Year (2004)

How do I measure this year?
In miles driven in the cars - his or mine?
In cups of coffee drank or pills swallowed?
In tears shed that no one saw,
or the ones they saw but did nothing about?

How do I measure this year?
In the distance I walked from car to class and work and back again?
In rings of a phone reaching him or him reaching me?
In poems written
as screams from my heart when there was no one to listen?

How do I measure this year?
In sunrises I was awake for but didn't see?
In hours waiting for calls that didn't come?
In hope I had, but lost as time went by
and turned to sadness as autumn swept in?

How do I measure this year?
In classes not attended or assignments rushed through?
In drops of blood spilled from my veins?
In empty hours where no one noticed me
as I suffered in silence?
How do I measure this year?
In times I fell asleep in strange places?
In times I knew that my world had turned sideways?
In conversations that I knew would go badly
but had anyway because I had no choice?

How do I measure this year?
In whispers in my head?
In dread and bad occurrences?
In knowledge I never wanted
but couldn't avoid and can never erase?