Things I can't get behind

On William Shatner's album "Has Been" (2004), he performs a duet with Henry Rollins called "I Can't Get Behind That" where they list trends and societal situations with which they disagree. That song is the inspiration for this column.

Things I Can't Get Behind …
1) Burger King restaurants that sell tacos. If I want a taco, I'll go to a Mexican food restaurant. If I want a fast food taco, I'll go to Taco Bell. If I'm at Burger King, it's because I want American food - I'm all for Burger King having the veggie burger option, because it's still a burger. But having tacos on the menu is just ridiculous.
2) Chicagoans who think people shouldn't put ketchup on hot dogs. Apparently, because the traditionally prepared "Chicago-style hot dog" doesn't have ketchup on it, no hot dog should. And they get angry about it - as though it's actually wrong to put ketchup on a hot dog. Ryan Manno, a Q101 DJ, has even had a debate about this on his radio show. I say it's a matter of personal preference, but I can't get behind people who try to dictate what other people put on their hot dogs.
3) The way small, independently owned movie theatres have become an endangered species. Megaplexes are running the small theatres out of business and leaving us corporate-run places that are completely devoid of personality.
4) People who think it's pretentious to drink wine. Yes, wine coolers are girly - I'll agree with that - but there's nothing pretentious (or girly) about a bottle of merlot you can buy for $6 at Meijer, right across from the beer.
5) Anyone who text messages while actively driving a car. I can understand a glance down at an incoming text when you're at a stop light, but either drive or text (or call the person on your hands-free phone, since everyone on the planet seems to have a Bluetooth headset these days anyway).
6) States and local ordinances that ban smoking in taverns. I can understand banning smoking in restaurants because a lot of people don't like to smell cigarette smoke while they're eating. A lot of people who drink smoke cigarettes and a lot of people who don't consider themselves "smokers" smoke when they drink.

Originally posted in The Chronicle in September 2007

Can't get behind this either

Two weeks ago, I listed a lot of things I can't get behind (from the William Shatner song), but I have one thing left to complain about - places that shouldn't have drive-thrus but do anyway. There are lots of places where a drive-thru is fine - even expected - such as fast food restaurants like Taco Bell, McDonalds and Burger King. I'll even grant the not-quite-fast-food places like Dairy Queen (though ordering a cooked-to-order burger in the drive-thru is likely to irritate all the ice cream seekers behind you), Boston Market and Long John Silvers.

There are places where a drive-thru just doesn't belong - like Starbucks. If you can't get out of your car and wait in line to list off your silly-sounding coffee order, you don't need it. If you're in too much of a rush, skip the "Grande Mocha Latte with skim, no foam, please," and get a cup of actual coffee somewhere. If the weather is too treacherous to get out of the car, you probably don't need the distraction of boiling hot coffee while you drive.

For a long time, there was a Fazoli's Restaurant in Schererville (there's still one in Valparaiso and one in Indianapolis). Fazoli's is one of those not-quite-fast-food places, but it takes awhile to get the food because they prepare dishes to order. They also serve messy, sauce-covered Italian dishes. Fazoli's is a great example of a place with food too complicated and messy for drive-thru service.

But the one that bothers me most - the place at which I think a drive-thru is nothing short of ridiculous - is pizza places. For instance, the Pizza Hut on Ridge Road in Griffith has a drive-thru. Pizza takes a long time to prepare, so ordering it through the drive-thru window (if you can even do that - I'm thinking you still have to order over the phone first) wouldn't make any sense. If you call in your order and don't feel like walking into the establishment, have it delivered. If you call in but don't want delivery, step inside and pick it up. I haven't even begun to figure out the physics of getting a pizza through the drive-thru window, through the car window, and down into the car without a cheese-covered disaster.

Originally published in The Chronicle in 2007